tjudd

A while ago I posted about emailing an ex (A), restarting contact again after couple of years, having mixed feelings about doing so and mixed motives if I am being honest.
Well this email contact has continued over the last month or so with us now talking about meeting up.  I am still very mixed up about what I want, part of me wants to drag her into the bedroom fuck her brains out before during and after some play.  Another part of me just wants to be friends, someone I would see now and again. 
Last night a mutual friend (V) and I were on the phone when she mentioned she had spoken to my ex, who had mentioned that we were again in email contact, telling me how horrified she was that we are again in contact, reminding me how I was in bits before over her.  V went on to tell me that A told her she was having money problems recently and when they spoke last weekend A had told V about having second thoughts about ending the relationship with me.  V  was so concerned about me she had been thinking of talking to other friends about it, but decided that I had to deal with this myself and proceeded to give me a long lecture about being careful.   She also asked why I had not mentioned the emailing to her or her partner, I hadn't because I didn't really want friends that know both of us that contact had been re-established.  Partly because I didn't want them knowing and keeping an eye on me and partly because I know many of them will give me a hard time like V did about possibly giving A another chance.
I realise that if we did get back together I would find it very hard to trust that she would not end the relationship again, we split up many times.  On the otherside, we do get on really well, we can just hangout with her for days on end and still find stuff to talk about.  We share a lot of values whilst fitting together in a ying and yang way.  When we did stuff together as friends people always thought we were an item, at college where we met as mature students, most people thought we were a couple.  However, I really am unsure whether I can take the risk of starting a relationship with her again.
Other stuff going on, well the attic bedroom conversion is nearly finished and I am getting into my course.

Holiday is booked now, it is going to be to Skiathos during mid September.

As for the rest of the day it has been spent mostly doing chores and doing some more stuff about my dad's death, closing his bank accounts etc.  It all takes a long time and it is not a nice thing to have to do over a weekend.  Then I have had a frustrating afternoon sorting out my home insurance on line, getting very cross with companies that give you a quote that is vastly higher than the quote they show in the money comparison websites.  Or the company who's website wouldn't let you pay due some problem then suggested you go and get in via the phone, but at a higher price.  Then later in the day the site is working again but the price has gone up about 20%. 

I feel I have wasted the day even though I know I have been doing stuff and have got things accomplished, possibly because I have missed being out in the sun, so I will end now and have a wander round in the evening sun.

I have had a busy week at work and feeling good about it and feel energised again, how different from last weekend when I was totally drained, waking up more tired than when I went to bed, wondering on Monday if I would be able to complete the week at work.
Two referral were made to the team which asked for me specifically and a third is on the way with my name on it I hear.  So work has been busy but enjoyable. Also I have just started working on a court mandated piece of work, which is interesting because I have to negotiate with lawyers, social workers etc., and convince them that my way of wishing to work the case is better than the care plan they have compromised on in court.  All of them believing that they know what is best for the children and other family other family members, yet none of them really understanding the therapeutic process.  Hopefully after the meetings and phone calls this week I will now be allowed to get on with the work.
Talking to colleagues this week, I discovered that I seem to work with a much higher case load than they do and find my higher case load more manageable than they find theirs.  Whilst I believe that this is partly down to my style of work I think it is also down to a bit of luck, none of my cases have blown up totally as yet.
My boss tells me that a lot of this is down to how I manage my cases, I don't believe this is the full reason, luck of allocation is also part of it.  I know from previous experience that you can do some of your best work and not significantly change a families situation, because of outside factors beyond your control.  Or that the family (or one member) was not ready to make the changes that are needed for the family interactions to change.  I do know that I am good at engaging the hard to engage and working with them to find out what they want and then working with other family members to enable the family to find a new way of relating which will usually lead to different patterns of interactions.
Outside work, the building work on the house goes on, there will be a pause for a bit whilst I wait for the plasterer to arrive and then for it to dry.  Then second fix and decoration will start.  Still have to decide on the radiators and the flooring, I am thinking that I will go for a bamboo flooring but this is not set in stone as yet.
In myself I am feeling good and looking forward to stuff, I am not sure if I will take another dip as the grieving process goes on or whether I have come through it.  I suppose if anyone should know it would be me with my experience, but because of this I realise that often issues you think have been resolved can come back later, often with a massive impact.  I think that because he was an alcoholic and that I did not expect him to live a great deal longer combined with knowing that his quality of life was not very good, in a way makes his death seem kinder for him.  A better outcome in that it was quick and painless rather than a continuing decline and further lowering of quality of life, I think he would have preferred it this way.
Since the funeral I have been in fairly close contact with my siblings, I wonder how long it will last.  We will all soon get caught up in our lives again, reducing contact to occasional emails between my half brothers and I.  Whilst my sister and I will probably revert to speaking once or twice a week on the phone again.  It has been good having more contact with them recently despite the circumstances.  We are not a family that is very close and poor in keeping in contact, yet when we get together do get on really well.  I suppose some of this is due to the physical distance between us all, but most I think is down to family culture.  I know I am the one most likely to initiate email contact just to chat, the others will only reply to emails or for a specific reason.  My sister is a bit like this with the phone, she will usually ring to offload or because she wants some advice and will often forget to ask how I am before she rings off.
At the moment it is warm and sunny here, which after the recent rain is to inviting to stay in any longer, I think I will go for a walk to the seafront for a bit before getting on with the stuff I need to do.

Keeping busy seems to be good at times like these.
I have spent most of today sorting stuff out for my Dad and the funeral.
Whilst I was doing this I felt like I had he weight of the world on my shoulders.  I went to his flat and looked through his papers, went to the bank to sort out money stuff, spoke with the warden of his old peoples flat, booked the funeral director, informed as many of the relevant agencies I could contact.
Then feeling absolutely wiped out, I phoned a friend and arranged to meet her on her way from work, briefly answered her questions about what is going on before asking how her moving in with her partner is going.  At the end of the conversation over a coffee, she realised that I had got her to talk about her stuff rather than me talk and tried to apologise.  For me hearing about all the stuff going on in her life, her hopes and fears was really uplifting and a welcome break from what is going on.
I have also been indulging in some retail therapy, getting some really nice stuff for my kitchen and dinning room.

Not the best of mornings, woke up with the phone ringing at 6 a.m. this morning, to hear the news from my sister that my dad had died, on friday last.  Still feeling a bit numb about this, unsure what I feel at the moment.  It had taken the police so long to find us, because, my father had given his next of kin as our half brother, he lives in Spain.  The logic of the alcoholics mind I suppose.
We were not close, well it is hard to be close to an alcoholic who would rather be with a bottle than his family, also he lived in America from 1977 till about 18 months ago.  After his return he did not even bother to let my sister or I know that he was back in the UK, it was from a half brother that we found out.  I can't remember the last time he initiated contact, no that is a lie, I can, he rang to find out about my sisters marriage breakdown 15 years ago. Which I knew nothing about at the time, I had a month before separated from my co-habitee of several years, which he never mentioned.  I knew he was aware of this, as my half brother had spoken with me a few days before telling me he had told our dad. Typically my Dad, didn't call my sister after our call, instead relying on me to let her know he was concerned for her.

So here am I sat here this morning, having sent off emails to relatives who live all over the world, letting them know he has died, wandering what to do next. I have to be in work in about an hour. My sister and I have spoken at length this morning, neither of us sure of what the process is when someone dies.  We sort of know what to do, making arrangements, but people never really tell you what this really means.  I suppose one of us will have to identify him, then the body will be released to be buried.  As I type this I have just heard, because he died at home and hadn't seen a doctor for a while he will need to have post mortem.

Well as they say life goes on, but it seems rather hollow today.

It has been a busy week at work, found out that I am likely to get support from work for my psychotherapy training, which would be time off and some help with the travel expenses.  Which is fucking amazing if it happens, though until I get it in writing I won't count on it. 
At home I am avoiding the mega sort out that I need to have  completed by the 1st July for the invasion of builders, who are coming to do the next stage of the slow renovation of my house.  And to increase the pressure I have invite friends round for a meal on the 31st June, so my nearly redecorated dining room will have to be completed by then.

I have also discovered a new talent over the last several weeks, if I contact people on a dating site and a get a reply  and then we start chatting and get on well etc, she meets someone else by chance somewhere else , cops off with them and I gain another friend.  I wonder if I could market this talent?  Somehow I suspect not.  What I really need to do is find someone else with this talent and bump into someone they are chatting to.